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When families think about estate planning, they tend to focus on the financial decisions: how assets will be distributed, how taxes will be minimized, and how wealth will be preserved across generations. These are important questions, and they deserve careful attention. But estate planning disputes often have little to do with money. They have to do with people.

Who will serve as Trustee? Who will manage finances if a parent becomes incapacitated? Who will make healthcare decisions at the end of life? These questions and the emotional dynamics surrounding them can either hold a family together or pull it apart. And unlike tax exposure or probate delays, the damage is not always measurable in dollars.

At Sessa & Dorsey, we have seen firsthand how getting ahead of these issues can make the difference between a family that remains close and one that fractures. Addressing these issues early and thoughtfully is one of the most valuable things a comprehensive estate plan can do. These issues should also be reviewed on a regular basis.

How to Make Fiduciary Decisions That Protect Your Family Relationships

The term “fiduciary” refers to anyone entrusted to act on another person’s behalf. In an estate plan, fiduciary roles typically include:

• Trustee: Manages and distributes trust assets according to the terms of the trust
• Attorney-in-Fact (AKA Financial Power of Attorney): Manages financial affairs even when a person becomes incapacitated
  
• Healthcare agent: Makes medical decisions if a person cannot make them for themselves

For most families, the natural instinct is to assign these roles to children. That instinct is understandable and often correct, but it is not always the right choice, and the consequences of choosing poorly can ripple through a family for years.

When multiple children are named as Co-Trustees or Co-Agents, decisions often require consensus. In families where relationships are already strained, that requirement can become a source of ongoing conflict rather than shared responsibility. Even in close families, different personalities, financial situations, and communication styles can make joint decision-making harder than anticipated.

The more thoughtful approach is to consider each role individually and match it to the person or persons best suited to carry it out.

Choosing the Right Person for Each Role in Your Estate Plan

Not every child is equally suited for every fiduciary role, and a good estate plan reflects that reality. When evaluating who should serve in each role, it is worth considering:

• Professional background: A child in medicine may be better equipped to serve as a healthcare agent, capable of making clear-eyed decisions under pressure. A child with a strong financial background may be better positioned to manage assets or coordinate with advisors.
• Emotional capacity: Even children who work in healthcare can find it difficult to make those decisions for their own parents. Competence and emotional readiness are not always the same thing.
• Relationship dynamics: Naming one child over another in a fiduciary role can surface long-standing tensions if not handled carefully.
  
  

Splitting roles between children based on their individual strengths is a meaningful option, but it requires an honest assessment of who each child is, not just who the parent hopes they will be. Often, sharing these decisions and the reasons for them can also help avoid conflict before it starts.

The Case for an Independent Trustee

In some families, the most effective way to protect relationships is to remove the burden of fiduciary responsibility from family members entirely.

An Independent Trustee, whether a professional fiduciary, a trusted advisor, or a Trust Company, can bring neutrality to a role that family members may find difficult to navigate without bias. This is particularly valuable when:

• Family dynamics are complicated or relationships are strained.
• Children have a history of conflict.
• The assets involved require professional oversight over a long period of time.
  
  

For families with significant assets or complex trust structures, an Independent Trustee can be the difference between smooth trust management and prolonged disputes. It is an option worth serious consideration, and one that more families are choosing than you might expect.

Telling Your Family About Your Estate Plan in Advance

As already mentioned, one of the most practical steps a parent can take is also one of the most overlooked: letting children know in advance what roles they will or will not play in the estate plan.

Learning at the moment of a parent’s illness or death that a sibling has been named sole Trustee, or that you have been excluded from a role entirely, can bring long-standing family tensions to the surface at the worst possible time. Grief is not a neutral backdrop for these conversations, and what feels like a straightforward planning decision can land very differently in that context.

Having these conversations while everyone is calm does not require sharing every detail of the estate plan. It simply means ensuring that the people who will be affected understand what to expect and why, so the plan reflects the parents’ intentions rather than becoming a source of confusion or hurt. It also allows for questions to be answered and concerns to be addressed while the decision makers are able to share their views.

Should You Have a Family Meeting About Your Estate Plan?

Whether to bring the broader family together for a formal conversation about the estate plan is a question without a single right answer.

For families where relationships are strong and communication is open, a family meeting can be enormously valuable. Children who understand their parents’ goals, have met the estate planning attorney, and feel included in the process are far better prepared to navigate what comes next. That familiarity also means that when the time comes, they are not working with a stranger at one of the hardest moments of their lives.

For families where tension already exists, however, a formal meeting can sometimes create more problems than it solves. Bringing unresolved dynamics into a high-stakes conversation about roles and assets does not always go well.

At Sessa & Dorsey, we help clients think through whether a family meeting makes sense for their specific situation, and if so, how to approach it in a way that supports rather than strains family relationships.

Getting Ahead of Family Conflict Before It Starts

Estate planning disputes rarely begin with tax strategies or asset allocations. They begin with hurt feelings, perceived favoritism, and decisions that were never explained. The families who avoid those disputes are typically the ones whose plans addressed the relational dynamics as carefully as the financial ones.

Whether the issue is choosing the right trustee, assigning fiduciary roles thoughtfully, or navigating a family business succession that feels equitable to everyone involved, these conversations are worth having early, with an advisor who understands both the legal and the human dimensions of what is at stake.

For more on specific areas where family conflict most commonly arises, see our posts on how to distribute sentimental items in an estate plan and estate planning options for shared vacation property.

At Sessa & Dorsey, we work with families to build plans that protect not only their wealth but the relationships that give it meaning. If you would like to discuss your estate plan and the decisions that matter most to your family, contact Sessa & Dorsey at (443) 589-5600 or schedule a consultation.